How do I do what?

I sat down at a work lunch recently with another professional woman.  At the chitchat part of the lunch, the subject of kids came up.  "Do you have kids?" she asked.  "I do. A 9 year old and a 5 year old."  She gave a sort of half bow across the table.  "How do you do it?"

My first response was, "how do I do what?"  And yet, I knew what she meant.  Balance. Prioritize. Climb the (nonprofit in our cases) ladder.  Sleep.

I've been avoiding writing about this.  Avoiding responding to this much talked about article.  Or its many responses.  Because, honestly, how does anyone do anything?  I know a couple with twins, one of whom has significant medical and developmental issues.  How do they do it? I know a recently married woman whose husband is in the hospital fighting for his life.  How does she do it? I know people in their 30s and 40s who are single and put themselves out there several times a week on first dates.  People who work several jobs to make ends meet.  People who take care of aging parents.  People in recovery.  How do any of us do anything?  And yet, we do.  To paraphrase Louie CK, "Your life doesn't suck.  Life sucks."  And yet, all of us, all these people and people all over the world with much more serious stuff than balancing life and family, still manage to not only live but enjoy life.  To laugh, to eat with friends, to go for a walk on a cool evening.  So, on some level, I just do it.  And really, of all the things I worry and stress about, work/life balance isn't on the top of the list.

Which is why I didn't want to write about balance or rather, the term I prefer: work/life fit.  But it has become clear to me that many young women, including some I know personally, are hearing the message that it isn't possible.  And are opting out of working outside the home.  And in my opinion, without igniting the mommy wars, that is a shame.  Because working can be fun, and stimulating, and, for many of us, the mission of our work is to do our part to fix what is wrong in the world. Or create what is right.  Let me be clear: I strongly support people who choose to stay home because they are personally compelled by parenting.  But I'm concerned by the trend I see for bright women to opt out because they don't see another way.

With all that said, below is an expanded version of my actual response at lunch that day.  A few of the ways I do what I do.  I know that not all of them are options for everyone.  And I recognize that I am very lucky.

1. I don't do it alone.  I have a spouse who is a musician, whose hours are largely night where mine are largely day and who is a terrific father.  Having one parent home part of the time is key to my personal situation, but it isn't the only tenable solution.  I know couples where both people work part or 3/4 time and other families where the parents work full time and have a full time caregiver for the kids.  We also have grandparents and siblings who help when they can, although none of them are right in town with us.
2. I ask for help.  We've created a community of friends with kids and when one of us needs help, we ask.  It isn't a babysitting coop.  There aren't any rules.  We kind of self-monitor.  But I have learned: when you need help, ask.  People will ask back.  And soon you will all have a little more support.  
3. I don't do it all.  This is the one piece of "balance" everyone cops to.  My apartment hasn't been dusted since the Bush administration.  My kids wear mismatched socks and call it style.  I can't remember the last movie I saw.
4. I do make a point to do the things I care about.  I get up and run with my friends.  I read books.  I sneak out for a mani/pedi every now and again.  I bake challah.  I cook Shabbat dinner on Fridays.  I, like Sheryl Sandberg, leave the office in time for dinner with my kids. 
5. I have supportive supervisors.  But I learned to ask for that support.  And to prove that I worked hard, accomplished my goals, and deserved that support.
6. I embrace technology.  Since my first PDA, technology has enabled me to work where I am, when I can.  I can leave the office at 5 and be back on line at night. I can take a conference call while waiting for my kid at an appointment. 
7. But I'm not a slave to technology.  My team knows that I'm usually in bed early and won't respond until the morning.  I take an entire day a week off email entirely. I go on vacation occasionally and unplug. 

That's 7 things I do.  For me, it's not just possible, it's fun.  It's stimulating.  I enjoy working.  I enjoy parenting.  I don't want to choose one or the other. It's hard, but back to Louie CK: Life's hard.

I'm curious what you do.  How do you "do it"?  Anyone interested in joining with me to bust the myth that it is impossible to find the fit that works?