Tale of Two States

We spent last weekend at the State chess tournament. The ten year old and his team were playing.  This was A's second year.  Last year, he had an incredible run: won all of his games; came in second place in his section only after losing a "blitz" tie-breaker; took home an enormous trophy and a team trophy as well.  This year? Won one game, tied one game, lost the rest.  Most of the kids on his team in his section were "playing up" against higher rated teams, and it was a challenging weekend for them all.

Last year, he spent the whole weekend focused on chess.  He didn't swim in the hotel pool. He went to bed early.  He was, as he told me this year, "trying to win."  This year, he swam twice. He stayed up late and played bug house with his friends. (Bug house is four person two board chess and super fun for the chess kids).  He told me it was because he knew he couldn't win, so he could have fun.

Also, this year? He learned some chess. A challenger used an opening against him that he didn't know how to defend and that he plans to ask his coach about.  He lost well. He was upset when he made a mistake and lost because of it.  But when he played for a long time against a high rated player and lost? He felt okay about it.

I've been reflecting on both weekends. I've been wondering - which is more important for him? Which experience will have more impact on his life? Is it better for kids to experience winning or to experience losing and know that they will survive?  I've told him that I think he will learn more from this year. Mistakes are how we learn, and he will be a better chess player. But do I believe that truly? Would I want him to continue to play, tournament after tournament, and lose?

This was all on my mind this week when I was reminded (in another context) of a piece of Jewish teaching which says that each person should carry two slips of paper in his/her pockets. On one it should be written, "the whole world was created for me."  On the other, "I am but a speck of dust."

That, I think, is what we need to teach our children.  That yes, the whole world was created for them. They are the center of our universe in many ways. But also? They are but a speck of dust, another being out of billions of beings in our universe.

Lean one way - too many weekends of winning it all - they become entitled and haughty and unable to deal with the challenges of the world.  They are scared to take risks and fail.  Lean the other way - failure after failure - they lose faith in themselves and don't understand their enormous power to create change. And while they aren't scared to fail, they don't know that they can succeed.

So another weekend of chess is behind us.  He's played for three years and I still haven't learned any chess past the knight goes one, two, turn.  It's not clear how long he will be interested in the chess moving forward. In the meantime, though. there will be at least a few more weekends of winning, and a few more of losing, and along the way, I'll stand by, wring my hands, and watch him learn.